Squeaky Clean: The Best Anal Douches Money Can Buy

By Bobby Box

To douche or not to douche, that is the question. Every bottom does it, but some health professionals caution against it. In an article published by Vice, numerous doctors  claim douching is unnecessary.

Poop resides in the sigmoid colon, part of the large intestine closest to the rectum and anus. This area hosts a muscle that prevents fecal matter from entering the rectum until it’s time to potty. They argue, unless your top is hung like a party-size kielbasa, there should be zero stool in this area and thus, no reason to douche. But, assuming you’ve had anal sex, you know shit happens and it can be mortifying. So, to avoid this embarrassing (yet natural) happenstance, we douche regardless. 

Doctors say that when we douche, water enters beyond the area that would require cleaning, a process which ultimately makes the bum dirtier.

Professionals also caution against overusing Fleet brand enemas, as the chemicals within them cause irritation, which manifests mucus and dryness which can then lead to cracks and bleeding. In the long-term, over-douching can lengthen your colon, which can lead to constipation later in life.

For a safe and injury-free douching experience,  keep it simple. The anal canal is about four to six inches deep, so, contrary to popular belief, only a minimal amount of preparation is needed. Therefore, you only need to clean a few inches, not your entire gut. So don’t squeeze the bulb too hard. Another good idea is to lube up the tip for easy insertion. Water-based lubricants – like Ride Water Based and Silk Hybrid (which work wonderfully on metals and other non-silicone materials) – is best, as silicone-based lubricants can bond with the product’s surface and cause damag.

Of course, to determine which anal douches are best, we sought recommendations from the individuals who know best: a sex toy reviewer, a sex shop owner, a porn star and a sex editor. Behold, the best anal douches money can buy.

The Porn Star: Bone Yard’s Skwert Douche Adapter Kit ($18.95)

“This incredibly portable and inconspicuous adapter has saved my ass (pun intended) on multiple occasions when a full-blown shower was not an option. The four-inch soft tip ensures a confident clean and the adapter comes with three sets of threads. It can go on a standard 20 ounce bottle, the smaller 12/16.9 ounce bottles, and even a shower hose. The clear cap keeps pocket lint and other undesirables off the soft tip so I can literally just throw it in my pocket and be DTF anywhere. The best part: it’s less than $20!” – Parker Allen

The Sex Editor: Ultra Douche ($24.99)

“The Ultra Douche is a basic, nonsensical anal douche that, while relatively simple, gets the job done. As someone who previously thought using a douche would destroy my insides permanently (which, for all I know, it is!), this one purifies me without feeling like I just did something I shouldn’t have. The tip is easy to insert, and at around four inches long, even the most amateur of bottoms shouldn’t have a problem. It’s relatively discrete, too. Even if you’re someone with no shame, it’s best that the rest of your household doesn’t know when you’re making sure your anus is fresh and clean.” – Sean Abrams

The Sex Toy Reviewer: The Bathmate Hydro Rocket ($69.99)

“The Hydro Rocket has a non-return valve so no there’s no backflow, which is a feature I love and wish was on all bulb douches. Another thing I really enjoy about the Hydro Rocket is the bulb shape. It’s a more ergonomic shape than perfectly round bulbs, and is a it more comfortable to hold. I have joint pain in my hands, so anything that brings slight improvements is a plus for me. However, the one caveat I would give is it doesn’t offer a deep clean. That’s fine for me and suits my preferences, but won’t suit people looking for that.” – Kelvin Sparks

The Sex Shop Owner: Cloud 9 Fresh Anal Douche ($26.72)

“We carry over 20 anal douches in our shop, but my favorite is the Cloud 9 Fresh Anal Douche. I like this one because it features three different tips shaped like anal probes so it’s ‘fun while you clean.’ It’s also easy to assemble and features a reinforced heavy duty bulb. The simple bulb style douche is my preferred choice, too. It’s less complicated than shower hook ups and since the water reservoir is located directly under the tip, it can flush water stronger and deeper compared to the bag style douches or enemas with longer hoses.” – Myla Green