The heart wants what it wants, and sometimes, this can be in contrast to your positional preference.
As gay men, we don’t have the luxury of spotting someone and having things fall magically into place – though, as heterosexual people become more progressive, these lines are being blurred also. Sometimes, gays catch feelings only to find out you both ONLY love getting fucked. What’s a hungry pig bottom dating another pig bottom to do – besides run through gallons Ride Lube and spend hundreds on your water bill?
First, don’t give up – clashing preferences is only a deal-breaker if you let it be one. Like any source of tension between couples (i.e. he likes sports but you like Housewives), you need to communicate and compromise if you feel it’s worth it. So if you recognize your partner as a whole person (not a hole person), and want to make things work despite this hurdle, consider the following solutions.
Play Outside The Relationship:
Among gay men, open relationship are common. Research has found more than 40 percent of gay men have an agreement that sex outside the relationship is permissible, so if you’re of that mindset, explore the option and play together or separately.
But bring the option up early in the relationship, so you know whether or not your partner is receptive to the idea. And note that, when exploring an open relationship, that communication is your strongest tool. Open relationships can be whatever you want them to be and you make the rules, so regular communication and check-ins are important.
Robert and Ethan, both 24, have a unique relationship. The two have been best friends since they were 15-years-old, and during Ethan’s bicurious phase, he fell in love with Robert. The issue: Ethan now identifies as straight and the two are only able to make it work via an open relationship.
“The compromise is that we must be honest with each other – and we do all of our STI testing together,” Robert says, sharing that their rules, in addition to being honest, are no emotional attachment, no sex with coworkers, and they must always use protection. “We both meet up with our FWBs or strangers on dating apps roughly two times a month,” he adds.
Robert shares that the two have sex together at least once a week – which is super important. Sex, in all its forms, is a powerful bonding tool – without it, a relationship will slowly wither and die.
Suck It Up And Dabble:
Relationships are about give-and-take – in this case, literally. Because you want to maintain a strong sexual connection with your partner, both of you will have to make an effort to switch positions. Consider it a gift because you love them. And when you do, put in the effort – no half-assing it. Disinterest is easy to identify and a huge turn-off so expresses enthusiasm throughout. Besides, you’ll be a better lover for it.
A good top knows how it feels to bottom, and vice versa. Exploring all aspects of sex is a valuable learning experience and makes you a better, well-rounded sexual partner. And, you never know, you may develop a taste for the other side of things.
Take Tony, 25, and John, 28, for example. Both knew they were bottoms entering the relationship, but it wasn’t until their first vacation that they discussed, in order to make things work, each would have to top on occasion.
“I found out quickly that I definitely didn’t like topping; it wasn’t enjoyable for me,” Tony shares. “It took me too long to get anywhere and I prefer to be submissive. It was just too much work.”
Fortunately, John really took to it and enjoys topping – for the most part, to keep Tony happy. “It’s very rare that he asks me to top; maybe once a year, if that,” Tony says. “I am very appreciative that he is happy topping and we have a great sex life.”
Get Kinky With It:
Kink can lead to the richest and deepest forms of intimacy and doesn’t require penetration. So open your mind, ignore labels, and explore different aspects of sex like roleplay or BDSM. Get creative, buy toys, learn to tie your partner up, or, if you’re both bottoms, give fisting a try. The sky is the limit.
Neither Kelvin, 22, nor Victoria, 23, a trans, queer couple, enjoy being penetrated, so they opt for oral sex, hand sex, BDSM, grinding, and sex toys.
“Wand vibrators are generally our go-to for sex, although we do use other kinds of external vibrators,” Kelvin shares. “She’s pretty fond of a penis vibrator called the Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo (especially as it doesn’t need the wearer to stay hard, which she sometimes has trouble with as she’s on anti-androgens and estrogen) and I really like bullet vibrators.”
The two were aware of their preferences before dating, so they decided to sit down to discuss what kinds of touch, kinks, and words they liked and didn’t like.
“It definitely helped, but figuring out ways we enjoyed having sex was sort of a natural progression once we knew what the boundaries were,” he says. “The fact that neither of us likes bottoming does technically limit what kinds of sex we have, but there’s so much of our relationship that doesn’t involve sex at all and so many other ways of having sex that neither of us feels like we’re missing out by dating each other.”
Favor Foreplay & Buy Toys:
Anal penetration is not required to have a fulfilling sexual relationship. As we mentioned, oral sex, fingering, and sex toys are all fun ways to explore intimacy and it’s too often that we forgo foreplay, which can be just as satisfying – if not more satisfying – than penetrative sex. Queer people know this for a fact.
Research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that eight in 10 gay and bisexual men have used a sex toy, with dildos, cock rings, vibrators, and butt plugs being most popular. Of this number, 72 percent used toys during partner play.
If you’re both tops, Fleshlights are a popular choice (and offer anal options). Tenga Eggs are another best-seller in the cock sleeve department and allow for a better, more custom grip. There are even toys two tops can fuck together.
Similarly, two bottoms might enjoy the sensation of a double-ended dildo, or a toy that can be controlled via an app. The latter is especially fun when done discreetly in public. In either case, if you’re in the market for a sex toy, visit our guide: The Best Sex Toys For Gay Boys.
Last but not least, have you tried mutual masturbation? It’s one of the greatest pleasures on earth and requires no preparation. Toss on a sexy video, get naked and explore your bodies together.
In many ways, choosing to solely top or bottom is limiting and prevents you from experiencing the full spectrum of pleasure that sex has to offer. So before you decide that positional politics are a dealbreaker, try unpacking what it means to be a top or bottom instead of just assuming that positioning makes relationships impossible.